Sunday, June 01, 2008

Staring at the screen

I'm sitting here staring at the computer screen, feeling very uncomfortable. It's funny because that's what I do for a living, stare at computer screens. But this screen is different. With this screen right now, on this web site, in this text box, I have a connection. It's a connection to a different lifestyle, to friends that I love, to a sport that not so long ago brought me joy and pain and health and strength and camaraderie. It's a connection, needless to say, that I've lost somehow, some way. And now, right this minute, I want so badly to re-connect. But some strange, ugly part of me that I hate keeps telling me to stay disconnected. I don't understand it. It's not what I want to do but I keep doing it anyway. The specter of embarrassment and failure and foolish pride wants me to stop right now and click that little X up in the corner like I've done so many times before. But I can't keep doing that. Enough is enough. I'm back at the end of myself and I can't stand it anymore. I think I'm finally to the point where I hate what I have become more than I hate the embarassment and hard work it's going to take to get back to where I was.

So, I think I know how I got here. As a matter of fact, I'm absolutely sure of it. It's GLUTTONY!!! I'm a glutton. I am plainly and simply a person "who over-indulges in and over-consumes food, drink, or intoxicants to the point of waste." [Wikipedia] I think I'm realizing that blaming it on being busy or on working too much or on anything else is just rationalizing. I am a glutton. Ah, confession IS good for the soul.

On to the updates. Well, here's the embarassing part. I've gained 50 pounds since the half marathon back in October. Yes, you read right. 50 POUNDS!!! I'm up just over 340. So, of the 80 pounds I lost, I'm back up 50. If I don't do something now, I'm going to be back at my all time high water mark of 370 and I think I'd have to jump off a cliff if that happened. Just kidding. And running, well here are my monthly totals this year:

...and November/December were just as dismal. It's like after the best race of my life, I just checked out. Anywho, vivid memories of those days still fill my mind and I have that to hold on to and motivate me.

Some of you may have heard a rumor that at the age of 41, I was going to be a new father. Yes, DW and I had a little surprise come into our life and for a while, it looked like major life changes were in store for us. But I'm sad to say that some weeks ago, DW miscarried and we lost the baby. It's been very difficult to deal with as we had no problems whatsoever with our other three children. It never occured to us that this would happen so it was a shock. But we're getting through it a day at a time. Of course, it's much more traumatic for a woman to go through all that. But DW is strong. She's coping well.

The project I've been working on at work is coming to a close. We are "going live" next weekend, followed by 3 weeks of hardcore 24/7 support. I was looking at my calendar and realized that I have not taken a day off from work in over a year. That is ridiculous. You can bet I'm making up for that starting in July. The good thing about this project is that no matter what EVER comes our way, no project will every be as demanding and as tough as this one has been. It kind of reminds me of the marathon. Once you've done one, you know there's nothing you can't do and everything else seems easy compared to that.

Finally, let me log my workout today. I almost said "log my miles" but I'm not quite up to the "miles" thing yet. Soon, enough, right?

Venue: Fairfield lakes and neighborhood
Workout: 5 min walk (warmup), 8x60/90 (jog/walk), 5 min walk (cooldown)
Total distance: 1.9 miles
Average pace(including walking): 18:07

Congratulations to Bill on his comeback and on his return to racing at the Astros RftP. And thanks for checking in Pony. You're the one that got me thinking about all this. This time is for real. IT HAS TO BE!!!

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Vic---it's Tate---nice to see you back in the saddle---and you do not have anything to hang your head about---you should be proud because you have not quit. You are starting again---a fresh start is a good thing. No looking back---just keep looking forward.

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your baby---you and your DW will be in my prayers.

Humble Runner said...

Welcome back, brother.

You have a head start on me. I was a mere 10-pounds short of my all-time high when I started again. It has not been easy, but I want this stuff off my body.

Much like you, the embarassment of it all fueled the beast of exclusion, but like you, I also said enough was enough...

The same support crew is still there. If you don't believe me, check-out my occassional comments.

I look forward to reading your blog again!

Bill

Anonymous said...

Vic,

I've also fell off the wagon and I'm just getting back into running. I let school get the better of me and shut down anything and everything else (relationships, running, you name it). I'm the guardian of a 16-year old young lady now and that has made me wake up a little. I went ahead and signed up for the half so that should modivate me to get out and get running.

Swimmingly,

Amber

Pony and Petey said...

Ah...my dearly loved brother in Christ! I accept your weaknesses just like I know you accept mine. And that's why we're able to help each other work to overcome those weaknesses.

I know by looking at me now, very few believe that I, too, am guilty of the sin of gluttony. I know some have judged me for being too focused on my weight and calories, etc. But I KNOW that I MUST stay focused because I can all too easily, and sometimes still do, slip and fall.

So I don't judge you at all...I understand, I support you, I'm here to help in whatever way you feel is needed and wanted.

I'M JUST SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK!!!

I will be praying for your wife and you as you grieve the loss of this tiny expected one.

I will be praying for you all the things I pray for myself as we strive to live out "do you not know, your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit".

J~Mom said...

Viccccc! It's so good to hear from you!! You know your marathon story is still one of my all time most motivating stories! This is not an easy path that we are on! It's just good to hear from you and know that you are going to try! We are all in this together and you can do it!!

Javamom

Tiggs said...

Vic- I have been checking every single day to see if you were here again. Every day. I hope this time you stay. You're my friend and I love ya no matter what your strengths and weaknesses are, no matter if you weigh 380 or 150, no matter what. Like Tate said, no looking back. Accept what's happened and look only forward. You'll get back to where you want to be-- I know you will because your life and the quality of your family's life depends on it. And we will be here when you need encouragement or someone to just listen or even a swift kick in the ass. Because we all love you and we miss you!!

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of the baby. Prayers for you and the family.

I hope I get to actually see you sooner than later.

Anonymous said...

Welcome home. We missed you. God bless you and DW. Matt W...

Crosstrain said...

We (especially the ladies) have been missing seeing Blue Eyes. You and your family are in our thoughts and I'm glad we will see you out there.

Anonymous said...

Vic - I don't read blogs but "accidentally" clicked on yours - bad thing because now I am not motivated to get up and finish my work:-(

I, too, am sorry about the loss of your baby and affirm the miracle of life.

Thank you for sharing a glimpse of yourself with us all. I am just starting over too - recovering from surgery and will begin running again in July. So it would be great to have you chase me around the track again. Look forward to seeing you.

K

TX Runner Girl said...

Welcome Back! I too have been checking here regularly, hoping that you've posted. It's great to "see" you again.

You've done this before and you can do it again. I know you can! I look forward to reading your updates. :-)

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your baby. Know that you and your DW will be in my thoughts and prayers.